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Calamari Lyrics

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GORDON SCHWINN
Sorry I'm late, Rhoda.

RHODA
You're always late.

GORDON SCHWINN
I was working on the spring song.
Is he angry that he doesn't have the Spring Song yet? I bet.

RHODA
No, he's angry that he doesn't have the yes song.

GORDON SCHWINN
I hate the Yes Song.
I hate the Spring Song.
I hate Mr. Bungee and his job.
It's bad, working on Mr. Bungee's lilypad.

WAITRESS
Y'all work for Mr. Bungee? I love that tv show!
The specials today, though not many, are especially good.
First, the fish of the day- Calamari!
Which isn't a fish, but lives in the sea,
as set in the dish, it happens to be
the fish of the day.
Okay.
Plus there's ziti with a sauce that's meaty. It's fun!

SCHWINN AND RHODA
Fun?

WAITRESS
And there's a lot.
And that's the specials!
Thank you!

GORDON SCHWINN
I'll have the ziti, and a diet coke.

RHODA
Uh okay, and I will have the goat cheese salad. No cheese.

GORDON SCHWINN
Thank you.

RHODA
So talk to me.

GORDON SCHWINN
It's taking up the brunt of my time.

RHODA
It's called a job.

GORDON SCHWINN
I don't have time to write my real stuff.
It feels like I can't express what I mean to convey
so of course I didn't write enough today!

RHODA
If you don't keep writing you'll be shown the door.
You know Mr. Bungee hates you.

GORDON SCHWINN
I think Mr. Bungee...

RHODA
...I think he hates you more

GORDON SCHWINN
Why does Mr. Bungee hate me?

RHODA
First off: You've gotta finish a song
You scoff, but damnit, write the Spring Song!
Write the Yes Song
Don't let your career go to the dogs!

GORDON SCHWINN
As you can tell, I don't write well for frogs.

"Mr. Bungee is aquatic and dispotic."

I'm getting frog hallucinations!

"Mr. Bungee's oceanic and satanic! ahaha.
Mr. Bungee's said to be tyrannical at times. But Mr. Bungee always rhymes!"

He's not here right now, is he?

WAITRESS
I love Mr. Bungee, yes indeedy, here's your ziti!
I love Mr. Bungee when he makes his scene.
I love Mr. Bun- did someone order scallopini?
I love Mr. Bungee, here's your diet coke and here's your drinks.
I love Mr. Bungee, I love Mr. Bungee!

RHODA
First write your song then next you'll write the epic.
First tv then next a Broadway show.
It's a rocky road from lilypad to where you want to get to dear,
but Rhoda always knows.

GORDON SCHWINN
Inside me I feel washed up and through.

RHODA
Oh come on...

GORDON SCHWINN
Writing this shit's killed my talent.

RHODA
That is not true!

GORDON SCHWINN
And whatever's left to kill then Bungee will
grind that down to squat!
I used to be..

RHODA
You still-

GORDON SCHWINN
I was!

RHODA
I don't agree-

GORDON SCHWINN
I once was but I'm not!

Oh my-

RHODA
Hey come on, sit down.

GORDON SCHWINN
Something is wrong...

RHODA
Gordon, are you okay?

GORDON SCHWINN
Something is wrong...

RHODA
Gordon, you're scaring me.

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