J: Hey Kage K: Jables J: How goes it man? K: S’good… s’good J: Y’know I been thinking a lot about it, and um, I just want us to be the best fucking band in the world. K: Well yeah me too! J: There’s no point in doing it if we’re not the best. K: Well s’true. I agree with that. J: I mean what, yeah we’re gonna be, yeah we’re really good. We’re like almost as good as Arcade Fire, fuck that. K: Yeah J: We gotta leave those fuckers in the dust! K: What, what do you.. J: All those fucking youngsters gotta lick our fucking boot or fuck it! Y’know what I mean? K: Yeah! Yeah, well what, how do we do that though? J: *sigh* Dude you need to fucking have some lessons. K: What! J: I know, you’re really good but you gotta expand your game. K: Lessons! J: Y’know how Koby in the off season would go and like, learn a fucking, y’know a Texas Two-Step or something, to add to his arsenal? K: Man, yeah, that’s true. That’s true. J: Well I’ve just been noticing some of your classic riffs are a little sloppy. K: Really? J: And I, I hope you’re not pissed off at me but I went ahead and hired a dude. K: Yeah? Oh no, what! J: Dude, just give it a chance will you? If you don’t like- ah hey! I swear, if you don’t like it we’ll fucking fire his ass. He’s out. K: Who is this guy? I never… J: His name is Felix Char (?) K: Urgh, what. J: He’s from Spain and he is the best. K: Oh god… J: I got him from the fucking London Phildsarmonic. (Meant to be Philharmonic) K: Urgh, I just, I don’t know him, it seems weird! J: Will you just, will you just spend a minute with him? K: OK. Alright. I’ll spend a minute with him. J: OK bro, he’s right outside I’m sending him in. K: Oh god, OK. Why? Lessons, so stupid. F: Hello? K: Uh, hi! F: Hello, I am Felix Char. K: Hi, uh. Felix? Yeah, um. F: Ah, as, Jack as asked me to spend some time with you. Uh. K: OK, hm. F: One on one. So, while Jack is outside, ah we will work on your technique. K: OK. F: Can I see you pick up, is this your guitar here? K: Yup. Yeah, I gotta it, I gotta it right over here. F: Ah, it is a Fender ay? Is this a Fender? K: Ah well it’s a Gibson. F: Yes a Gibson, yes. Made by the same, uh, manufacturer. Pick it up please, can you pick it up? [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/classical-teacher-lyrics-tenacious-d.html ] K: OK. Yeah. F: No, no, no, d-d-d-d-d-d-d bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap! K: What? What’d I do? What’d I do? F: You pick it up from the neck! This is not the way you pick up a guitar! K: I just picked it up, I just- F: No,no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, cállate tu bocar, pick it up from the body. K: The what! F: The body. K: Oh the body! Body, OK. F: I’m sorry about my accent. K: I didn’t know, I didn’t know. F: Now listen to me. I want you to play, like it is a woman. You go and play the guitar now. Play. K: Uh, OK? Uh. F: No, no, no, no, no. You, your fingers. Your fingers are too tight. K: They’re too tight? F: Yes, let me get behind you. Like this, you see? K: Oh! Hn. F: If I put my finger, on your finger. K: Hey! F: Then you can feel… K: I can! Wait! F: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shu! Finger to your mouth. I put my finger on your mouth, on your lips. K: Mhmhm! F: Yes that’s good. K: Hey man! F: Now listen hey, you want to play like an orgasm. K: I’m just try- what!? F: Feel this. Do you feel that? K: Oh god! This is really weird man! F: That’s my cock. K: WHAT! F: That’s my cock in your butt cheeks. K: OH GOD! Hey! F: Do you feel it? K: NO! F: Now I’m going to tough your cock. K: OW! F: Let me touch your penis. J: It’s me! K: WHAT?! J: It’s me. It’s JB. K: GOD! J: There’s no Felix dude. K: What are you doing?! J: I’M FUCKING WAKING YOU UP! I’M TRYING TO SHAKE YOUR FOUNDATIONS! K: By touching me with your penis?! J: YES! By fucking touching your penis! Whatever it takes! K: God! J: That’s all I’m saying dude! I’m making a point! Let’s get fucking serious! Let’s get physical! Alright. Let’s take it from the top.