Oh give me a break!
I couldn't sleep a wink last night, it was making me mental.
I mean I can't believe that I, Ed Grimely,
was asked to perform for the amazing Suncoast middle school annual PTA pancake supper.
Like I suppose you could do better than that, no way.
It's almost as insane as the time I got to meet Pat Sejak,
who's a pretty decent guy I must say.
Oh and one thing- today should be about Pat Sejak, no way,
but then again, maybe it should, it's difficult to say, no,
I'm knocking them dead!
You made Shane Fessler laugh so hard, gatorade came out his nose.
My dad is helping me get my script together while my mom helps me get my hair stuck up into a point!
My costume is perfect a collared shirt buttoned to the top and high waisted pants with just a hint of mooseknuckle.
Amazement he enjoys.
You know what mooseknuckle is don't you?
Camel toe for boys!
I am a very gentle sensitive kid.
While my brother is out playing baseball,
I spend hours lying on the living room floor reading the encyclopedia Britannica or tenderly pressing my lips to the screen of our TV console
When Captain James T. Kirk is on the other side of the glass.
One morning my mother flies in my bedroom and demands
"Why are there lipmarks all over the TV set?"
For reasons I can not fully explain, something inside me says "don't tell her"
One day, I'm looking through the encyclopedia trying to find a picture of Michaelangelo's David, when I stumble across a passage about-
In WWI, the military used to paint battle ships with wild eye-catching patterns.
This dazzle camouflage confused the enemy's rangefinders, so huge boats could hide in plain sight, and bomber planes would just pass them by.
A lightbulb goes off.
If I could dazzle everyone around me, I could hide in plain sight.
Then, maybe I would hear Shane Fessler say, "Dude, you're funny" instead of "Dude, you're a faggot"
So I tuck away quiet me, sensitive me. And I become dazzle me!
And I have a million different cards in my razzle dazzle deck
Class Clown Camouflage!
Look at me, I teach drivers ed!
Joe Cool Camouflage!
This field trip sucks!
Yup, I have girlfriends, from second grade all the way to my junior year of college.
Hey, wanna come over after school? We can watch MTV
The hours I spend holding hands with girls was equaled only by the hours I spend in my bedroom making my action figures go at it.
Batman, do you love me?
I do Green Lantern!
Green Lantern, you said you loved me!
Aquaman? I did not see you standing there! Have you been working out?
I am so good at dazzle camouflage, I'm like a one man Ed Sullivan show!
Do Kermit the Frog!
Hi Ho, it's the Muppet show, with our very special guest, Ms. Joan Van Ark, yay!
Do Homer Simpson!
Marge, I ate all Lisa's lunchbox
Pee Wee Herman!
Sure he's not feeling too good today!
Darling, I would not normally ask this, but while you're down there, would you mind terribly tying my shoe?
Whoa dude, are you being a girl? What about Ed Grimely?
Yeah Ed Grimely!
I must say I must say like today should be about Pat Sejak! (Dazzle camouflage in background)
No way, but then again, maybe it should, it's difficult to say.
No, today is about the Suncoast middle school annual PTA pancake supper.
After the pancake supper, I'm riding home in the car with my parents. They're so proud, and happy.
We get home, I peel off my sweaty makeshift costume, take a shower, and go into my room and lock the door.
I'm so tired. Tired from constantly scanning to see if anyone will ever be able to put together the truth: that Shane Fessler is right.
Keeping a secret is a full time job and I am exhausted.
I pull out my tattered Speedo catalogue from in between my mattress and box spring.
One day, I will be in the arms of a real speedo man.
I close my eyes. I am so tired.