Front step cha cha cha
Back step cha cha cha
Side step front step
Back and turn
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew!
This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Oh Mother not more ancient history
Oh my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or
But time seemed to halt
When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Amber! That move is far too dirty
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours. This isn't 1930!
You can laugh but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your mommy dear
Took out the competiton
Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rhumba!
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their 'cups'
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance
Not a chance!
Boys, put me down. Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you've got.
Twist twist twist twist mashed potato mambo
Ready? Begin, on my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
You should have seen my bag of tricks!
Ohh I hit the stage batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing souffles
But that triple sommersault
Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope!
Well, this show isn't broadcast
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
This one will never get a date
In those hand-me-down clothes
Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say 'oy gevalt if I wasn't
Miss Baltimore Crabs
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel!
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would. I'm all for
Integration. It's the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore it isn't. And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be "in"
So we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face
Awww, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of "Miss...
You may go.
I think they secretly liked you.
May I please audition?
Of course not,
But you may bow and exalt!
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...
Crabs, crabs, crabs!!!