The only time a highway to Hell ever sounds appealing is when Bon Scott is the tour guide. And since today is the 32nd anniversary of AC/DC's Highway to Hell album release, I think a little road trip is in order, no?


Their fifth studio album, and last recorded with late frontman, Bon Scott, Highway to Hell was released August 3, 1979 and has since pried its way into numerous "Greatest Albums Ever" lists, film scores, and karaoke catalogues. At first blush, the album is a concoction of parties, lust, women and plain old dirty rock and roll, but there are some life lessons if you read between the lines. So let's a take a cruise and see what the ol' Highway to Hell has to offer, shall we? Buckle up y'all. 


Truth Number 1: Highway to Hell


No stop signs, speed limit / Nobody's gonna slow me down / Like a wheel gonna spin it / Nobody's gonna mess me round


Okay, so when Scott's talking about a "Highway to Hell" he doesn't actually mean a big, hot fiery pit in the underworld, it's obviously a sweet party instead.


For instance, say you're invited to Kanye West's birthday. Your glass will never be empty and champagne will literally be pouring from the taps in the bathroom. You'll rub shoulders with Jay-Z, Pharrell, Beyonce, Katy Perry, and hey, look over there, Prince William and Kate Middleton are playing pin the tail on the donkey! In short, this isn't a party you want to miss. Grandma and Grandpa's 50th anniversary? Sorry, gonna take a rain-check on that one. Rules of the road? Don't apply. Luckily, Yeezy included stop sign and speed bump free directions on a special highway that only he owns. 


Truth Number 2: Shot Down in Flames


She was standin' alone over by the jukebox / Like she's something to sell / I said "Baby, what's the goin' price?" / She told me to go to Hell


Lol! Now in this instance, Hell is the flaming depths of the underworld. 


Listen up, fellas. If your pick up line is "Baby, what's the goin' price?" you best believe your target is going to shoot you down big time. Literally any other line is better than that. How about, "Hey nice moves" or "I like your dress" or I'd even take "You'd look really good...without your glasses" — seriously, ANYTHING is an improvement.


Truth Number 3: Beating Around the Bush


You're the meanest woman I've ever known / Sticks and stones won't break my bones / I know what you're looking for / You ate your cake, you want some more / I'm gonna give you just a' one more chance


Tsk tsk tsk. Good girls go for bad guys and bad guys go for... bad girls? 


Nah, there's always that one person you're obsessed with, but they won't even give you the time of day! But that's why you're obsessed with them in the first place! They could actually throw "sticks and stones" at you and you'd probably love them more. And what's that? You just caught wind that they could be two-timing you? I think I hear wedding bells....!


Truth Number 4: Night Prowler


Somewhere a clock strikes midnight / And there's a full moon in the sky / You hear a dog bark in the distance / You hear someone's baby cry


Midnight will always be scary. Always. Even if there isn't anything actually scary happening, you'll psyche yourself out and think you heard a tip-toeing creeper hot on your trail. Trust me, I spend the majority of my nightwalks looking behind me instead of keeping my eyes on what's ahead. 


I think there's this weird ~*paranormal*~ law that automatically transforms my street from having kids playing in sprinklers, people walking their dogs and backyard BBQs into a black vortex or something straight outta Goosebumps. Clock strikes midnight? Cue the wind, thunder, lightning, wolfpack, creaky swingsets, and cackling old ladies. #help. 



Soooooo what does Highway to Hell actually teach us? 1. Parties are sweet. 2. Don't use dumb pick-up lines. 3. Don't go for the person who treats you bad. 4. Take a cab or ride your bike after midnight. Hey, you could probably use all those rules in one night! Try 'em out this weekend and get back to me.


-al