Bridget the Midget Lyrics
by Ray Stevens
Well the wife went out of town 'bout a year or so back
And left me at home by myself to batch
And after five straight nights of TV I was ready to scream
So I called up this beer drinkin' buddy of mine
I said, "Bill, I ain't havin' a real good time"
He said, "Why don't we go to the rasslin' matches
And let off a little steam?"
The main event was the Spider from parts unknown
With his trusty partner, the Blue Cyclone
They was takin' on a team that never had been beat
Now I'd never seen the matches before
And the crowd was backed up plumb out the door
But me an' ol' Bill lucked out and got ringside seats
Well then they rang the bell and all Hell broke loose
My legs was shakin' like a rubber goose
I'd never seen anything like this, not even in the war!
The Cyclone put the Vulture in an airplane spin
Then he body slammed him and he did it again
I swear, I didn't see how that old boy could take much more
It was right about then in the thick of things
My buddy Bill threw a chair in the ring
And that's when I knew we'd better be headin' for the door
'Cause I saw the Cyclone lookin' at us
And he was rubbin' his head and he started to cuss
And I knew if he caught us he'd break Bill's neck for sure
Well, where we parked wasn't too far
And Bill ran so fast he beat me to the car
Locked the doors and wasn't about to let anybody in
And I turned around and the Cyclone was there
And he said, "Hey punk, you forgot your chair!"
And by the look in his eyes, I knew that this was the end
Then he body slammed me two or three times
And he put his arms around me from behind
Then he pile drived me right there in the hard concrete
Broke both my arms and three of my ribs
It's the closest, I've ever come to being killed
And that's the last thing, I remember 'fore he put me to sleep
Well, I woke up in a hospital bed just thinkin'
I believe I coulda took him if I hadn't been drinkin'
So the next time we meet, I won't be on no binge
'Cause I hadn't been the same since we had that fight
And I see that Cyclone in my dreams at night
And I'll never be satisfied 'til I get revenge
So I called up Bill and told him my plan
And all he said was, "Right on, man!
I'd do the same darn thing if it'd been me
It all happened so quick when that car door slammed
It must a broke somethin', 'cause the door locks jammed
You was already down, he's gone time I got free"
Bill said, "Since you're thinkin' 'bout takin' him again
I know two ol' boys that weigh 210
They'd take on a grizzly with a switch in the woods at night"
Well, we talked it over, they said they's willin'
They'd stop at nothing, short of a killin'
Said, "Hoss, we'll back you as long as you wanna fight"
So we all went down to the Hammerlock Bar
The hangout of all the rasslin' stars
And waited for the Blue Cyclone to hit the door
Well, after a while, he finally appeared
And sat down at the bar and ordered a beer
And he barely took a sip 'fore I stepped to the middle of the floor
I yelled, "Hey Cyclone! Remember me?
I'm the guy you put to sleep
Only this time, you can see I'm not alone, ha ha
You see them two big dudes over there?"
The Cyclone looked and said, "Over where?"
And I turned around, I'm a son of a gun, they was gone!
Well, the Cyclone looked at me and grinned
He said, "Okay punk, here we go again
Seems to me that some guys never learn"
And then he waded through them tables and chairs
Put a full-nelson on me and grabbed my hair
And when he threw me to the floor, I was startin' to get concerned
The next thing I remember, they was carryin' me in
And the doctor said, "Oh no, you again?"
I said, "Doctor, how long you think it'll be this time?"
He said, "Boy, if you don't leave the Cyclone alone
One of these days, you ain't goin' home!
You'll need the undertaker's services, not mine"
He's the meanest wrestler the ring has ever known
He'll make you groan, he'll make you moan
He'll lay you prone and break your bones
The Blue Cyclone