(This is a song about how sad I am.
Just picture a depressed onion cutting himself.)
I met a homeless man named Rich.
Isn't that terrible.
I saw a flyer for a lost dog
and the dog didn't have any legs.
I saw a diabetic kid
Trick or treating.
I saw a giraffe who had a short neck.
That was sad... or a deer.
I saw an old man get hit by a train.
He didn't see it in the pouring rain.
He didn't hear me shout "look out for the train!"
Cause I didn't say anything.
I just thought to myself, "Ooh this is gonna be sad."
And it was.
I'm a genius.
I saw a man with only one eye
In a 3D movie.
I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mother's corpse.
I saw a kitten stuck in a tree, then the kitten jumped off and he hung itself.
I saw a boy who had red hair...
I went to a store looking for something to buy.
But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy.
No wait, this store sells mirrors!
See what I did there?
The world's so sad bros.
Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism.
But I gotta remember there's good things about it too.
Like the fact that none of that is happening to me, score!
Still though it's hard not to be sad about it.
How do y'all do it?
I've been telling you terribly sad things this whole song you haven't been sad at all.
You've been happy, no
You've been laughing.
That's it, laughter, it's the key to everything!
It's the way to solve all the sadness in the world!
I mean, not for people that are actually said, but for the people like us that gotta fucking deal with 'em all the time.
Being a comedian isn't being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public, it's being a hero!
The world isn't sad. The world's funny! I'm a sociopath!
I saw an old man slip and fall.
Hey, what a fucking idiot.
I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral.
Ha Ha Ha! Classic comedy!
Everything that once was sad, is somehow funny now.
The Holocaust and 9/11?
That shit's funny 24/7 cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about.
Because my empathy is bumming me out.