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Bo Burnham
Theoretical Dick Jokes Lyrics

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes. It goes like this:
My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time
And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
I've got an eating disorder--
Yeah, more like nutritional entropy, so...
I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...
Segues are weird.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy?
Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?
And the truth is, there is...
White people.
I think we've been through enough...

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