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There! Right There! Lyrics

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Elle:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, well-tended skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay.

Callahan:
I'm not about to celebrate,
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically radically fay?

Emmett:
But look at his quaffed and crispy locks.

Elle:
Look at his silk, translucent socks.

Callahan:
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seeing.

Elle:
What are we seeing?

Callahan:
Is he gay?

Elle:
Of course he's gay.

Callahan:
Or European?

All:
Ohh...
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee.
Is he gay or European?

Warner:
Well, hey don't look at me.

Vivian:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports

All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "Ciao Bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Elle:
Oh please.

All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Warner:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

All:
Is he gay or European?
Or

Enid:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk,
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro-hetero jerk,
That guy's not gay, I say no way.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume

Elle:
Is automatically, radically

Callahan:
Ironically, chronically

Vivian:
Certainly, pertin'tly

Warner:
Genetically, medically

All:
Gay
Officially gay
Officially gay, gay, gay, gay, gay?
Dammit!
Gay or European?

Callahan:
So stylish and relaxed.

All:
Is he gay or European?

Callahan:
I think his chest is waxed.

Vivian:
But they bring their boys up different there,
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse,

All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

Brooke:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy-toed.

All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Judge:
But if he turns out straight, I'm free at 8 on Saturday.

All:
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-

Emmett:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Callahan:
The floor is yours.

Emmett:
So Mr. Argitacos, this alleged affair with Ms. Wyndam has been going on for...?

Nicos:
2 years.

Emmett:
And your first name again is...?

Nicos:
Nicos.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Nicos:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

Carlos:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
And neither is disgrace.
You've got to stop your being and completely closet case.
It's me not her he's seeing.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way.
You are so gay,
You big parfait!
You flaming boy in cabaret.

Nicos:
I'm straight!

Carlos:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European and Gay!

Nicos:
Fine, okay, I'm gay!

All:
Hooray!

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