I was talking to my friend Tommy, he's almost 6.3 years old. I said, "Is it just me, or has
Power Rangers gone to shit this season?" and he shook his head and said, "I know." I
said, "That Turbo movie was stupid," and Tommy said, "I didn't even go." And he said, "I
can't keep track of the Zords." And he said, "I hardly even watch it anymore." I said, "I
think they lost when they all switched colors just for the hell of it," and Tommy said, "That
'White Ranger's long-lost brother' theme didn't seem relevant." I said, "It's just like
Darkman--it started out fine but it sucked by the time they made Darkman III: Die Darkman
Die. Everything good turns to crap eventually," and that's when Tommy said, "Isn't that
just the way it is?" And Tommy said, "What happened to my friend Barney? Yesterday he
was a king, now he's a dinosaur. And Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just doesn't hold my
interest anymore." I said, "Team Knight Rider was a letdown too." He said, "It's true, but
not as disappointing as Secret Wars II." I
said, 'It's just the same as G.I. Joe. I recall he was one foot tall. He'd of stepped on Cobra
Commander and drop-kicked Destro." He said, "It's just like the New Kids--I thought they
were cool but I felt like a fool when I found out Donnie Wahlberg was in graduate school." I
said, "Or consider Duran Duran since they got that other fella: they went from Seven and
the Ragged Tiger to Electric Barbarella. Tommy said, "Can you explain why nothing ever
stays the same? Adam, can you help me, man? Can you help me understand? Who,
what, where, when, how, and why? Is there a God? And who am I? And do you think
they'll really remake the original Planet of the Apes?" I said, "don't ask me, I'm only 28."
And it's just like Tommy said, "Isn't that just the way it is." That's just the way it goes.
That's just the way the cookie crumbles. That's just the way the old ball bounces. Shit
happens. Isn't it a shame? Isn't it a crying shame? It's a crying shame. Crap! Crap crap!
Crap, crap. It turns to crap. It turns to crap an
d it won't turn back. Crap, crap. It turn to crap. C'mon everybody c'mon and do the crap
clap. Crap. Crap. It turns to crap. It turns to crap and it won't turn back. Like Spinal Tap
and white boy rap and every singing family since the von Trapps. Crap: The Gap, the
Mercator map the movie Zapped! and the game Mousetrap. The clap? Crap! The guy from
Tap! Fiesta wraps and Rob Liefeld's Cap. Everything good turns to crap. It turns to crap
and I don't mean maybe, just like Galactica 1980. It turns to crap. Crap!